You have your permission to rid yourself of the pressure to find “the one.”
– KEYS SOULCARE
You’ve probably heard the word “soulmate” thrown around as casually as the daily weather report, but… is that healthy? We put a lot of pressure on finding “the one” as we flip through apps and flit through our social lives, but this can lead to a lot of disappointment. Couldn’t we start with searching for a significant other?
We reached out to Lori Brewster, MS, LMFT, co-founder and co-owner of Elevating Relationships, to go a little deeper on the idea of a soulmate as it relates to a significant other. Can they be one and the same? Why do we search so emphatically for a soulmate, rather than “just” a significant other? Is this all just semantics?
A soulmate doesn’t have to fit any particular definition
First and foremost, keep in mind that the idea of finding your soulmate is just a construct. “It helps to remember that the term soulmate is a socially constructed word influenced by things we’re exposed to, like our family of origin, culture, religion, and a myriad of romantic ideals,” Brewster says. “From Disney stories about princesses and princes to rom-coms about the perfect match, we all get saturated with ideas about what a soulmate is.”
It’s more than okay if you allow your experience of finding a partner to be about what you want and need, not what society dictates should be so. “Growing up, you might think of a soulmate as one thing,” Brewster says. “Over time, through maturity and experience, you begin to rewrite that socially constructed narrative as you choose the type of significant other that you would like to have in your life.”
Partnership is romantic and soulful
“A significant other is essentially a choice about a partnership,” says Brewster. “It’s saying, ‘I choose you, I desire you, I commit to you, I want to do life with you.’ It’s also important to be intimately tuned into yourself and understand what soulmate ideals are special to you.”
In other words, if you need certain things from a significant other, it’s worth discussing them with your partner and seeing where you match up (and where you don’t). “That’s where healthy communication with couples is helpful — being able to have heart-to-heart conversations about what matters the most to each person and learning to compromise,” says Brewster. “If that doesn’t say soulmate, I don’t know what does!”
Significant others can become soulmates
“I think of the term soulmate as a combination of all the romantic ideals we have learned to believe as true for the ultimate partner,” Brewster says. “With the couples I work with, there are frequent conversations about learning to love each other in a way that feels amazing to each individual partner.” These ways of loving can vary, since we all need different things. “Sometimes the requests overlap and sometimes they don’t,” she says. “While your partner may not be naturally tuned into all your unique love languages, a willing partner can learn.”
As part of this process, your significant other may slowly become your soulmate, whatever that means to you, on terms that only you and your partner put down. As a couple begins to learn each other’s love languages, they can “continue to grow together—that’s part of doing life as a couple and becoming each other’s soulmate over time,” Brewster says.
If you’re looking for a soulmate, focus on yourself
There’s no need to put pressure on yourself to find a soulmate, though if you find yourself doing just that, don’t worry: it’s normal. In the process of finding a true partnership with another human being, “you need to be intimately aware of your desires through having a healthy relationship with yourself first,” Brewster says.
“Boundaries are often yielded or crossed when we are not tuned into our own needs and desires,” she says. “I’d encourage individuals to ask themselves how they are currently [caring for] their soul — to be a soulmate or have a soulmate requires individual soulcare.” This includes looking at your own life values, hopes, dreams, and goals, and getting clear on your own needs. “Honoring oneself first helps to set the stage for seeking a partner that will respect and cherish who you are as a person,” Brewster says.
And then, when the time is right, and you find a partner, you’ll be ready — and ready to accept someone else as they are as well. “A soulmate doesn’t need to be a carbon copy and have all the same values — most don’t — but they should be curious about, respect, and cherish how you show up in the world,” Brewster says.
Even soulmates require work
“I’d also like to caution couples in discounting the relationship if it requires work,” Brewster says. The idea of a soulmate can often result in starry-eyed ideals, but that’s not based in reality. “Too often, romantic ideals of what a soulmate is breaks up what could be a happy relationship with a little bit of work,” she says.
“If you look at the cycle of relationships, many start out being over the moon with each other, which is often supported by a rush of hormones and endorphins that can last for quite some time,” Brewster says. “They naturally diminish, but this doesn’t mean you’re not meant to be together.” Indeed, digging your heels in at this stage and working on your relationship just might result in the soulmate of your dreams after all. At this point, you’re just in a new stage, Brewster says: “One where discernment has more weight than the rush of the butterflies in your stomach. This is when you really begin to do the work and explore if it’s a good fit.”
Have you found your soulmate? Tell us the deets in the comments.
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